He’s popped the question and you’re over the moon. But before you say “I do”, it’s time to get serious. Are you really ready for marriage? And how can you decide whether he’s the right man for you?
by Gillian Bloch
It’s the biggest decision of your life, yet often the one you’re least equipped to make. While some people “just know” when they’ve met the man they’re destined to marry, many fail to see the bigger picture. Johannesburg-based counseling psychologist Leatia Stemmet suggests examining your values and beliefs as an individual and as a couple, before walking down the aisle.
Know yourself
Before you can even attempt to determine what kind of man you need, a deep level of self-knowledge is essential. When planning a life with somebody “your value system, belief system, as well as lifestyle preferences need to be explored in depth, as these determine not only how you interact with others, but also who you choose to interact with,” says Stemmet.
According to Stemmet, common values include:
- Respect
- Honesty
- Loyalty
- Sincerity
- Openness
- Accountability
- Success
- Stability
Our life experiences and upbringing generally determine our value systems and which beliefs hold more weight than others. “Should you be in a position where you have not defined the values and beliefs that are part of you, then getting married could be a dangerous step,” cautions Stemmet.
Matching values
Complementary or compatible core values are the basis of a lasting relationship. “We might be willing to compromise on certain values, whereas others are so important to us that if the partner’s behaviour regularly challenges these values, the discomfort can override the feelings of love and commitment,” explains Stemmet.
In relationships, differing perceptions of gender roles can also cause problems. Stemmet explains with a practical example: “If your husband believes that his primary role is to support financially in the relationship, and you believe that his emotional contribution is more important, the lack of time spent at home in an attempt to create financial security can become the basis of severe conflict”. Before getting married, you both need to be upfront about your beliefs and consider whether your differences are something you can accept.
Honeymoon haze
There’s nothing like falling in love. Your new partner is shrouded with an air of perfection and their faults seem non-existent. This is commonly known as the honeymoon phase. “Most people present themselves in a positive light during this phase, and may not portray their values and beliefs as clearly as they would later, when the initial in-love phase has passed,” cautions Stemmet.
Once the honeymoon phase ends, people tend to be more honest and critical which poses a real test of relationship strength. Getting married during the honeymoon phase is therefore usually ill-advised as incompatible values, beliefs and lifestyle needs may later arise and threaten the marriage.
Wrong reasons
Some people also get married to fill a gap or to solve problems in their lives. Yet, it is only once you are fulfilled as an individual that you will be able to create a healthy partnership. “First know yourself, what you stand for, and what your dreams and beliefs are,” says Stemmet. “It’s important to then know these things about your prospective partner in order to make an informed decision about whether or not you are compatible”.
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