by Jessica Hobbs
Johannesburg based counseling psychologist, Leatia Stemmet, gives her advice on goal-setting and decision making, with a focus on difficult life situations. Take a look at her site, www.dannerup.com
What is the difference between problem solving and goal setting?
Goal setting is future orientated, and involves thinking about your future ideals, and motivating yourself to turn this vision of what you want to achieve into reality. Problem solving tends to focus more on the present and past, where you need to decide how to deal with a specific dilemma that you are facing.
How do we go about deciding how to deal with situations that have really hurt us – like being betrayed by a friend or parents getting divorced?
When you have been betrayed by someone close to you, or you are going through a difficult time (for whatever reason), it is important to deal with these experiences and allow yourself time to feel the emotions associated with the experience. Allow yourself time to be angry and/or hurt when you have been betrayed, or to experience the confusion and feelings of sadness when your parents are going through a divorce. These experiences in life hurt, and you need to learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner in order to move on. We cannot always decide how we feel about a situation, but we can decide how we are going to deal with it. Thus, you can determine and control your response and reaction to a difficult situation, which will ultimately affect your ability to resolve it.
If we realize we are ignoring and burying our feelings of hurt and anger, can we set certain goals to help us deal with our emotions in a way that is healthy and healing? If so, how?
There is a very fine line between allowing yourself time to deal with these emotions, and not allowing yourself to move forward. Self-knowledge is very important, and asking for or accepting support will help to make you realise that you are not alone. Self-destruction and holding onto the anger when someone has betrayed you will only serve to keep you prisoner of the past and the negativity associated with it, and will impact your ability to move forward. By holding onto the wrong that others have done to us we are awarding them the power to determine how we live our lives, and you might be missing out on some incredible experiences due to being blinded by anger and hurt. It is best to learn the lesson that you are supposed to have taken from the experience, and move on. At times you might feel incapable to move forward, and it might be necessary to speak to a professional about it in order to resolve the issue in your life.
How can we become better at setting goals if it doesn’t come naturally to us?
When you set clearly defined, realistic goals that you are able to achieve, you can take pride in the achievement of these goals, which serves as a great confidence boost, as you start recognising your ability and competence. Goal setting occurs on a number of levels: You first have to create the “big picture” of what you want in life, and decide on major, lifetime goals that you want to achieve. Then you need to break these down into smaller target goals that will enable you to meet the larger-scale goals. Your plans and priorities are bound to change somewhat over time, so review and update your goals as time goes on and you gain more knowledge and experience.
What are some practical ways we can use the advice you have given above?
Well, when facing an upcoming exam, try not to think of it as a whole, as this may seem insurmountable. Set up a time table of each test that will be written, and plan which subject you will study for on which day. Take one subject at a time, and make a short summary of what you need to study for the specific subject. Add this detail to the time table, as this will enable you to see on a concrete level what needs to be done. It provides an easy way in which to track your progress, and the structure will make is easier to see that there are more specific, smaller goals to be reached within the bigger end goal. Thus, handle each day as it comes, focusing only on what needs to be done on that day. Keep in mind that your study method should be different from subject to subject, and some will require more effort and time on your part. Take this into consideration when setting up the timetable.
If being fit is one of your personal goals, try to start by finding specific types of exercise that you enjoy. This will ensure that you continue exercising, instead of doing it intermittently. Not everybody enjoys the same types of exercise, so find activities that you enjoy. Then decide how much time you are willing to spend on it. Try not to be unrealistic, and find a time that will suit you in the long run. The type of exercise and amount of time spent doing it can change and be adapted as time goes on and your level of fitness improves
How can we make sure that setting goals is a positive experience, rather than an added pressure in our lives?
Set precise goals, and organise these according to priorities, as this will help to avoid you feeling overwhelmed by too many goals and keep you focused on the most important ones. Write your goals down, and set goals that you have control over, as you might become de-motivated when not able to achieve goals for reasons beyond your control. When you have managed to achieve a goal, take time to enjoy the satisfaction, and observe the progress that you have made. Remember that failure to meet goals might occur, but you really can learn from these setbacks.
How can goal-setting improve our decision making?
The best way to explain this is through an example. When you decide that you want to work on your relationships, determine your reasons for wanting to do so. Are you doing this because you are seeking approval, or will improved relationships benefit your well-being? If other people serve as the motivating factor, you become dependent on them to make you feel valued, which affects you negatively when you do not get the desired response. Thus, make a conscious effort to stay in control of your goals, and measure these according to smaller, attainable goals. Try to determine what it is that is keeping you from having a positive relationship with others, and make an attempt to change this. For example, if you know that blaming your parents for your mistakes is getting between you, try to take a step back and determine what your contribution to the situation is, subsequently accepting more responsibility.
With regards to determining where things went wrong – is there always someone or something to blame?
When something goes wrong in a relationship, always try to see how you could have contributed to the situation. Relationships are a two-way street, and each of us contributes something to it, whether this is good or bad. Taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of emotional maturity, and will enable you to learn from the situation, and thus increase your self-knowledge.
