by Jessica Hobbs
For this article on online dating, I emailed two different psychologists, and asked them their views about online dating and some of the dangers connected with it.
Rita Suliman is a practicing Forensic and Counselling Psychologist, working in Durban. She has her Masters in Psychology, is a Life Line Trained Counsellor and has her Children and Health Certification from the University of Amsterdam.
Leatia Stemmet is a Counselling Psychologist, based in Johannesburg. She works together with a number of psychologists, each with different specialist areas. Their website can be found at www.dannerup.com, additionally, if you need to, you can email them at info@dannerup.com.
Here’s what they had to say…
Is it dangerous for teenagers to communicate with older people in chat rooms or online dating sites?
Rita Suliman : In the first instance, the focus should be on whether the teen actually knows it is an older man (or woman) or not…because if they don’t, then there is the issue of deception. Secondly if it’s an older person, communication without face-to-face contact is a lot easier because all you basically do is respond to each other’s messages and this does not give you a “feel” for what the person is really about. Danger exists in all areas where there is a huge age gap without a proper basic understanding of the other person and their personalities and habits…so it’s not only restricted to online dating. The danger of online dating is that you really don’t know who you are communicating with!
Leatia Stemmet : At times teenagers may not be aware of the fact that the person on the other side is an older male. However, when they become aware of this, some adolescents may be intrigued, even flattered that an older man is showing interest in him or her. This holds a particular danger if the teenager does not experience acceptance from male figures in their lives, as they might seek it elsewhere. They often view the seduction of an older male as a challenge, as female adolescents frequently feel as though boys their age are not enough of a challenge. More often than not, they view this as a game of seduction, not fully comprehending the repercussions of their actions.
Is there a threat of paedophiles using online dating to reach victims?
Leatia Stemmet : Cyber dating has shown to be a breeding ground for paedophiles, as more and more teenagers are using electronic mediums as a form of escape. Children and adolescents are becoming more aware of the dangers of interacting with strangers on a face to face basis, as the media as well as parents have raised increased awareness. Thus, paedophiles need to resort to different ways of finding their victims. Though the relationship may not develop into a physical encounter until months later (at times never), paedophiles take time to groom their victims, gaining their trust and making them feel special. This is especially dangerous for adolescents, as this is generally a phase during which they feel misunderstood. When someone then enters their lives that portray acceptance and understanding, it may be very difficult not to succumb to it. Children and teenagers might not enter the dating sites, yet they show increased interest in chat rooms, which, ultimately, has the same end result. Due to the fast-paced living that most parents are maintaining in order to keep food on the table, children and adolescents are left to their own devices more often than not. Thus, decreased levels of supervision and parental involvement may result in them seeking acceptance elsewhere. Seeing as they cannot physically go out to meet new friends, they might engage in cyber-interaction. The problem is, they cannot know who is on the other side. Sometimes, until it is too late.
With cyber-dating, you get only a partial-truth about what a person is really like – why is this a problem?
Rita Suliman : It’s very much like when you speak on the telephone… you are more comfortable to say what you want because you are not able to see the other person’s reactions physically – such as body language, eye-to-eye contact and so on. When you speak to someone face-to-face, there is also a lot of non-verbal communication that assists you in getting to know the person.
Are teenagers seduced into taking and sharing pornographic pictures of themselves?
Rita Suliman : I know that this has been widely publicized recently, but there is not just one straight cut answer to this question. Firstly, one has to look at the specific teen’s background and what sort of values they have, their self-respect and what their morals are. Secondly, is there peer pressure that makes them do this? Is there a need for them to compete with peers on any kind of material or financial level? Would the reward or promise of a reward for the deed would be tempting enough or fulfil any need the teen has?
Leatia Stemmet : Adolescence is a period exploration, where a need to be accepted reigns supreme. Experimentation is a key component, as this aids the development of individuality. This process often includes the experimentation of sex and sexuality, which may result in them engaging in different means of exploration. They might be under the impression that posting naked pictures of themselves is non-threatening, as they get the response that they want without having to engage in physical sexual activity with another person. Thus, they may feel that this is a safe way of exploration, which offers them an opportunity to feel desired and wanted, something that they may not be experiencing in their real-life situations. However, this type of interaction holds the danger of being exposed to sexual predators, and even though they do not always encounter them physically, they may be fuelling the perpetrators fire. Not only that, these pictures are often discovered by someone that they know, which may result in rejection at school and within their social circle.
What are the concerns and problems surrounding people using cyber-dating to act out the person they would like to be, rather than who they really are?
Rita Suliman : As mentioned previously, no-one sees your physical or non-verbal responses and you can therefore be whoever you want to be. Sometimes this can become such a problem, that you begin virtually living two different lives. The other points mentioned above also apply.
